Beefalo

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I'm having a hard time with myself lately.
I've been having troubles putting things into words, like there aren't words in the English language to express what I'm feeling and because of this, I am afraid I come off stupid..
It's like I just can't talk, I can't explain myself and I can't change, like I'm trapped within my own head.
I know my faults and I understand that they will always be with me constantly shifting into different forms, almost like AIDS. One minute I think I've fixed them, I think they've gone away but then they just shift and present themselves differently. I never expect it and it always catches me off guard.
I'm not saying I want to be perfect because honestly, life would be no fun if I were without flaw. It would be boring and meaningless, I'd have no quest to keep me busy until I die.
However, beneath all of my unresolvable flaws I'm scared. I'm scared that I've plateaued, that I'm a prisoner of my own ignorance or really of my own certainty. What if the truths I hold dear are not truths at all, what if everything I think I know is wrong? That would uproot my entire foundation. There are no limits to what could be upturned. My career choice, my relationships, my future relationships, to sum it up, the entire life I've built for myself. What if I am wrong?

I mean this may or may not contradict what I said earlier about not wanting to be perfect but I don't want to be a prisoner. I don't want to float through life thinking one way and find out that I've been cheating myself of what otherwise could've been a very meaningful and interesting life..
I'm just scared that I'm missing the beauty that, as far as we all know, I'll only get to see once.
What if while being mad at the car in front of me earlier, I missed a beautiful cloud in the sky or a rainbow or even the fact that the car in front of me might be worse off than me all because I'm stuck in the center of my own universe?
Is there anything I can do about this?
How do I get out of the center of my own universe? Because we all know all of the best shit happens in the outskirts and if I'm stuck in the center I'll never see it for as long as I live.

But honestly, what I'm afraid of even more than that is that I won't even know what I'm missing. That I will have been so stuck in the center of my own universe that I didn't even realize the outskirts even existed in the first place.

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Went to talk to a teacher about finding a writer for my play.. Damnit I don't understand why this is so hard to do.
I am at a school full of artists and I can't find one person to write some fucking dialogue? Jesus.
Oh well.. I'll just keep looking, no use in giving up now.

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So I've been really confused lately..
I was kind of unhappy over the Christmas break (even though I thought I'd have a great time chilling) because I forgot about the big problem I have with too much free time. What happens is the second week I am sitting around doing shit nothing, I start to get depressed because I feel useless.. Xmas break was a month so that was pretty brutal for me.
This confuses me because at school I have so much to do, so many things to keep my brain busy and not focusing on negative things. This leaves me with the question

Do I truly hate being here?

I've had countless journal entries and conversations about how much I hate Boston and how much Austin is so much better. How the weather is awful and the people are worse, how it's hard to fit in here because I'm not an amazing jazz pianist or can't sing like Whitney. And don't get me wrong, all of that stuff is semi-true, but it's been a while since I have been as depressed here as bad as I was doing shit nothing over Xmas break.
Plus, what kind of opportunities are down there anyway? Where is the awesome music school? Here. Where are the giant networks of musicians in all fields of study? Here. Where am I closest to New York? Here.
Where does Austin fall in this mix? It falls somewhere along the lines of settling down and starting a family which I swear, by the time I graduate next May, I will NOT be even remotely ready to do.
It freaks me out but

Do I really want to move back to Austin after I graduate?

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Had a classical recital today, went pretty well.. I'm not ready to go back to school, I've decided.

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Christmas break is almost here. Christina's in town for the week.
Fun week, all my projects are done and my exams are butt ass easy. Like so easy that I don't even feel like I go to a real school... But hey I'm not going to complain because some of the dumbasses here actually have a hard time believe it or not.
With music, really? Whatever

I'm excited to go home but at the same time not, there are some people that I just really don't want to have to interact with simply because of the high levels of awkwardness.
OH well, it'll make my life interesting right?
I'll just play video games like 90% of the time. Funniest thing is that I have absolutely everything that I would possibly need for school done.
For example, I wanted to test out of this class and the test includes like 6 projects that are due at the beginning of next semester.
Yep, already got those done.
So basically I'm doing absolutely nothing this break besides chilling, I'm pretty excited for that.

So to sum up this weird entry, I'm currently enjoying my life. I mean I always basically enjoy my life but right now I enjoy it a little more than usual.

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Have you ever fallen in love with an idea of something? Whether it be a career path or a person or even like a creative project?
I honestly think doing that is like putting yourself through your own personal hell.
I don't do it often but when I do, I fall hard, and it takes me years to recover.

Oh well, at least it keeps my life interesting, right?

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Kind of bored.. But oh well.
I think I might play kickball today in the Boston Common, I fucking love kickball.. Even though it's 50 degrees outside, running around like a psycho will make me warm right?
School's going well, I hate my private lesson teacher she just gives too much homework and when I don't do it all, she chews me out.
Fun.
Miss home, it's warm there in every way and I fired my writer for my play so now I have to find a new one.
Great.



Like I said, oh well.
Gotta go.

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So bored